The End.... sort of

June 20th 2011. Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.
“I am old …and so tired…” -Atrus

Today I had an exit interview with the country director. I had my Peace Corps ID card invalidated and I stepped in and out of the office of the Peace Corps of Mongolia for the last time. I only knew the place two years, didn’t even spend all that much time in the office either, but the concept of imbue is something I brought up in the previous entries of this blog. The idea that we are what we put into the things we associate with. As I left the office for a final time, sat there on the small little bench in front of the entrance and just took a deep breath in and out…I felt it all. I was and had been for the last two years a Peace Corps Mongolia Volunteer. I took in all the emotions. The good, the bad, the ugly and especially the weird. I took in the milestones of PST, swearing in (May the Force be with us.) living in Ondortolge, Dadal Vacations, a pretty girl I like very much, 25 day horseback treks into the taiga, Bagakhangai, and everything else in between…and in one deep exhale that ended in crying I realized all that I was no longer that what I am. That while I may have new facebook friends, have made subtle differences to people in the towns I have lived and and spent 2 years of my life on the other side of the world that that…all of that was no longer me. I was someone else entirely. That which no longer was me…I had to let go. From this day forward I am no longer a Peace Corps Volunteer, a PCV. I am now a “Returned Peace Corps Volunteer” An RPCV. Returned is such a funny word. Maybe ill find a trash barrel…burn all of my identifications, run off to a kibbutz and never see America as long as I live but from this point on I am indeed a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer….

It’s gone… it’s done….

A long long time ago, I played a video game that went on to be the best selling video game series of all time. Myst. Many people know Myst, or at least the very the first one. It was a video game with real life style type animation that for the time was so real…it took everyones breath away…or at least those of us who realized that if this was what was happening now what video games would look like before too long….and with what video games look like now I am pretty sure that before too long you will be playing video games you cant tell apart from real life…
What many people do not know is that four more series based games came afterwards. The plot of the Myth books was the story of the life of Atrus, a man who with a pen could write whole worlds that actually came to life in their own ways. His goal through all of the games (his lifetime) was to create and protect a world for a species members of his family had destroyed previously known as the D’ni. The final game follows the plot of Atrus’s daughter, who is trying to ensure that the book/world is protected. (its complicated)
At the start of the game Atrus writes to his old friend (the person actually playing the game) He expresses himself so melancholy during it, uncertain that all his work has amounted to anything at all, or with a single stroke of bad fate will an entire species and his life’s work be destroyed. It is during this opening that he makes the statement I quoted above. A quote that perhaps it was the way in which I first heard it or just the way it moved me but the line was so simple: “I am old now…and so tired.”
I think it is this “tired” mentality that we often feel near the end of our toils. I really am at the end of Peace Corps service. My ger is gone, the paperwork is all turned in, the winter is long behind and an army of newbloods are already settling in doing and learning all the things I had to two years ago. I sit around the capital of Ulaanbaatar and realize that the term “tired” really does describe how I feel.
Tired is how I have felt at the end of almost all major accomplishments and failures of my life. The way in which being tired can be either the happiest or saddest thing ever astounds me.
I have felt the sadness one can feel when tired at the end of a great toil. The exhaustion of something that had led to nothing. More than that, it had destroyed a wish of mine. Something I had wanted for as long as I could have remembered. At the end I didn’t even have the energy to be angry of the wasted time and shattered dream. I just put my head down, and let my body pass out. That went on for months. Occasionally I awoke, to feed myself or to work a job so I had enough money to stay alive, but truly for close to a year I was nearly bedridden with loss and grief. The memory of that time truly haunts me.

…. And obviously, that is not how I feel about my time in the Peace Corps. (DUH!!!!)

Far from it, in fact its my example of the other kind of tired one feels at the end of a great accomplishment. There is those times where you reach the end of a great journey or adventure. A trip of your lifetime, one that you have a hundred amazing stories to tell your friends…and a thousand more stories that you will keep to yourself. The type of exhaustion you feel at the end of a marathon where you realize that you have done something even you doubted yourself capable of. You feel in that moment like this was not even truly as far as you could have reached either. You realize that truly the only thing that holds you back is the limit to your own ambition. The world is yours. And the exhaustion you feel does not overwhelm you, rather it comforts you. The release of stresses now that the task is done, the mind free of worry that you kept inside you, and the ability to slip soundly to sleep knowing a job is well done.
You can almost hear the song with the harp from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack as you drift to sleep.

“Lay down…your sweet and weary head. Night is falling, you have come to journeys end. Sleep now, dream of the ones who come before. They are calling, from across the distant shore.”

The past few weeks I have spent bathed in the light of the warm Mongolian June sun, emptying out my bank account by nursing Gem beers in a beer tent and just reminiscing on all that I have done while out here. The good times I seem to laugh at and enjoy and feel as though the memory will never fade, and the hard times seem so funny now, and so very far away.
Unlike my previous times and reminiscing this is no longer done in the company of fellow Peace Corps Volunteers. Some are still here in the country, but not with me. There is noone to share stories with anymore of all that has happened. Instead I am left with only myself to think. This has been some of my most and least productive times of thinking. Which is this?
I guess like all opposites you need to experience one to fully appreciate the other, but as we come to the end of Peace Corps as well as this blog I guess I just feel the exhaustion that comes from accomplishing a life long dream, and realizing that if I had not done this, I would never have forgiven myself. Its something I will hold very dear in my heart, and will give me the sleep of a toddler for many days to come.
It is knowing more about the relativity of good times and bad. Its knowing just how bad things can get, and at those times knowing that it could have been so much worse. Its also about remembering some of the greatest experiences and times of my life, and realizing that while I shall have more of them in the years to come these specific ones will never happen again.
This entry is not supposed to sound melancholy, though I know it does. Its my assessment of self-awarement taken in at arms length. If I truly “learned” from this mentality of trying to find the neutral to all I would go back to Pathumthani Thailand right now and spend my days in walking meditation and try not to let anything effect me one way or another. Instead I take a milder approach. I try to realize that the good and the bad will always eventually pass, and to wallow or to try to hold on to that which is not eternal must truly be let go.
I write this entry very tired. The good kind of tired. The kind that comes from the settling of a great imbalance from before. I am finished with my first tour of Peace Corps service. I have accomplished a life long goal, and I think I am not full of shit as I had feared for so long. In less than a week I make my way to China, into Hong Kong and then back to America.


…. Its been a hell of a ride….now if you will excuse me I need to go pick up my stepfather from the airport tomorrow! ….


June 30, 2011. The T97 Train Between Beijing and Hong Kong

Well…its been a while. I guess I might as well wrap all this up. So the pickup of my stepfather from the airport did not go as well as I would have liked. I just could not get the UB guesthouse owner to grasp the concept that in less than 15 minutes a plane was going to land at the airport and it takes over a half hour to reach the place if there is no traffic (there would be) “ok..bro…no problem bro…” He just wouldn’t stop saying that over and over again. I got mad, hadn’t gotten mad in a while but this was getting to be too much. The rainy weather (it had rained all day…I have been in Mongolia over 2 years and it had never done that!) I said “NOW!” It had zero effect. Additionally, once we finally left the guesthouse he drove to his own home to drop himself off and let his driver take me to the airport. Cars were broken down and a 30 minute drive took an hour. We were impressively late and by the time we pulled up to the airport the plane had pretty much unloaded. I sprinted inside and luckily my experienced traveling stepfather was calmly sitting in a chair on his own, just looking around and smiling to see me spring in in a raincoat and shorts. I got him back to the guesthouse, which was a little below par for his taste. Luckily he suffered it, and I got to spend time in an overcrowded guesthouse while it rained…fun. The next day it continued to pour. It hadn’t rained more than a few hours at any time…it hadn’t stopped in two days. UB was a soup…travel out of the city on the first full day was out of the question, so we saw some sites while wet. We went to Sukbaatar Square, and we also went inside the Mongolia history museum. Were good at museums. We also went for some American Burger and Fries stuff. It was nice to eat something I liked, but too many weeks of decadence were starting to get to me…and the weather didn’t help either. With only 2 full days available for a tour we had a choice, Terelj or Kharkhorum. There was no argument, it would be Kharkhorum. Again money was exchanged between me and the guesthouse. There was still something that annoyed me that despite the fact that my stepfather had money I was literally paying over 50 times what this would cost me if I arranged it myself and at very little additional discomfort, but alas time was short. Ching-ching and off we went. I had been there before, but it was still wonderful to see the place. Eric was impressed, and armed with a good camera caught a lot of great shots that he would later share with me.
We got back and for our last full day in Mongolia I arranged for a driver to take us to my first hometown of Erdene. From there I saw my sister and mother a final time, who prepared us Tsuivan, my favorite food. Eric got to learn all about them and see all the things I had talked about on my blog. It helped to really show where I had been and what I had done. The weather was still atrocious, but that was the best final day.
We packed up that night to prepare for the trip to China. This was really the end for me. I fully intend to be back but I really really was leaving Mongolia now. It was over. Emotions? Numb…nervous….resigned to the swirl of emotions I knew would follow shortly. The bags were…cumbersome to say the least. Its not easy dragging back 2 years of heartfelt souveniers and mementos with you from Mongolia…they are heavy!
Still, even after weeks of decadence and bad habits in UB I was able to put all my bags on me and carry them onto the train. It was early morning…and as the train pulled away I could watch the city dissapear little by little. Goodbye Ulaanbaatar I said. Ill…no I wont really miss you per say…I hated that city….but I loved this country that’s for sure.
Luckily a few hours later we zoomed by my working town of Bagakhangai. A much fonder farewell took place there. Then…the train started chugging along. Rolling green steppe….that got sandier…and sandier… till it was all sand, and I for the first time really did go through the Gobi. My take? Not pretty…but very impressive to those who find a way to make this home year round. I argued with food and drink vendors at rest stops because it would be my last chance to use my Mongolian language skills… for at least a very long time. I didn’t get a lower price…I didn’t care!
Then we reached the border by dark…..i could describe in picture and in detail how cool the changing process is, but seriously im sure you could just look it up online with a better and more accurate description. Its literally them lifting us off the ground (all of the train) lots of bangs and clanks to take off the wheels and put on new ones that fit. Very awesome, and something that must be seen to be believed. Glad I got to see that. Fell asleep and when I awoke….China!!!!
It took me off guard that’s for damn sure. It was all so….green….huge buildings everywhere…and it was so…damn….clean. I don’t even mean that as insulting to Mongolia….i loved the place, I just sort of forgot what “clean” actually looks like I think. The longer we stayed in China the more dirty I realized I was!
So after a half day later we arrived at the train station of Beijing. New adventure: HO!!!!!!!! A metric ton on my body and my stepfather wants to look for his bank to test his card. I agreed, and dragged my bags for kilometers in 95 degree weather. Lotta sweating and no bank….ah well. Next we needed a cab. From the train station you cant exactly just flag one down, you gotta stand in line. Im a 6’4 white guy with a lot of luggage….. the scammers and douches eyes turn to money signs and they mentally scream jackpot. TAXI…>TAXEEEEE!!!!!! Blah blah blah. Ive lost my language ability to tell people off, and so I just keep saying no…standing in the massive que. One guy was particularly interested in robbing me blind. I got to the front where taxis are and he grabs the hotel papers out of my hands and says he will walk me to my cab….he tells me the price to get there is 270 yen (that’s 20 bucks) Its 2 kilometers to the fracking hotel….it should run by meter. I ask him where is his meter. He says: No meter…I tell him ill write down a list of places for him to stick that and walk to the guy in line. I get sworn at and he runs over to the next tallest white guy he can find and scam. Its nice to have reached such a level of comfort with myself when I travel…its like while the scenery may change I have that degree of confidence.
So after a 20 yen taxi ride (3 dollars…screw you scammer!) we pull into a VERY nice hotel. I haven’t stayed at a hotel in over 2 and a half years, and this one is REALLY nice. Like when I pulled my bags out of the car someone took them from my shoulders and carried them inside an air conditioned lobby. The air con on the hot day felt heavenly…. There were some language difficulties, but all in all it went smoothly. We went up to the room and I saw a MASSIVE bed…with sheets thicker than my mattress at the guesthouse used to be…let alone what it was like at the ger. The bed was long enough that my feet didn’t crunch…and the bed almost enveloped me as I collapsed into it…. I truly had gone to heaven. The powerful bathroom shower and shampoo bottle wash only brought me to a higher level of enlightenment then that.
After a wash we were both so exhausted, but I had a few chores to run. We went down and booked a Great Wall of China trip. Tourist buses and all. Ah why not right?! We both had been through the ringer in Mongolia….we would let others worry about where we go and what we see for a day in China. We went to a marketplace near our hotel and got some meat on a stick for dinner along with chestnuts and some corn on a stick as well. Delicious exotic and filling.
The Great Wall we saw on the second day. Whats there to say…its as awesome as they make it out to be…and its so full of tourists like myself I fear for the structural integrity of the wall itself! Luckily Eric and I are spry fellows and once we got away from the intial drop off point the crowds tend to die off some. We could have walked more, but once you have your own private section sometimes the best thing to do is just chill and look on in awe. That’s what we did. Awesome it was too! The Ming Tomb of Chang we got to see too. More amazing sites, but the sheer mass of tourists was just daunting to me. I forgotten my dislike of crowds like these. Mongolia had been a perfect haven for me…but China was serving as a passive reminder that the overwhelming majority of the rest of the world is not like that at all. I am not complaining, just pointing out something I had almost forgotten. There are a lot of people in the world!
The third day of China was the best. We crashed early and woke up at 6 to go to the Heavenly Gate Park at 7. Tai Chi, badminton, kung fu, old lady choreographing dance moves, massive temples, and quiet places to walk around. It was a place we were worried we wouldn’t get to see…and we saw almost all of it. We took the subway then to the Forbidden City, and the next 4 hours were lost to massive crowds of almost all Chinese tourists running around while Eric and I listened to absolutely useless audio guides we couldn’t control. We had a great laugh about that. Even with crushing crowds the place is pretty amazing to see. Massive temples, some in their original form…others gift shops. They may still claim to be communists…but capitalism has the last laugh in this country! After that we walked to the hill that overlooks the forbidden city. Oood and awed… the hill is really steep so at the top the crowds disappeared. Yeay again! Beijing is in an eternal state of fog and smog so pictures didn’t come out well, but it matters not. You simply cannot take a picture of this place and do it justice…its just so…. Wow.
The next stop was the lake to the Northwest of the forbidden city. Quiet and pleasant. I began at this point to see how China is making money. There is an entry fee to every single building and structure in this country!!! Now granted its only like 4 dollars per entry, but with the crush of people entering that still builds up very quickly. The lake was nice, and it was on our way to a famous poets house. He was a commie who lived quite large during the 1950’s or so. His courtyard is beautiful and peaceful. We then went to a mansion villa behind it that was teeming with tourists. Im sure it would be lovely if it was not buried in bodies, alas it was. I mostly just sat and waited for Eric to give up on moving around among the masses of tour groups.
From there we walked through bar hutongs (not yet up and running as it was 3pm) and made our way to the bell and the drum towers…. Large numbers of stairs to climb, and adding on the fact we had walked pretty much all of this yea we were getting a good workout. Great views and lots to see. After that we walked back down another famous hutong towards the subway that would take us to our hotel. On the way I met 2 Peace Corps buddies I didn’t even know were in China. They saw me and all I could do was bear hug both of them at the same time. It’s a small…small…small world. We got to talk less than 10 seconds, but even after all the cool crap id seen all day that took the cake. Go Peace Corps forever!!!!!
We got back, showered, and went out to eat Peking Duck…not at any ole place, but at Da Dong’s himself!!!! I know…I had never heard of it either. Of course, I never had eating Peking Duck before either. Delicious, and I hadn’t eaten all day so I was hungry as anything. We had that and a great salad with a good bottle of wine…. The ambiance could not be beat, and nothing tastes better than when your hungry after a full day of tourism. We did a week of things in 10 hours….we were rock stars.
Again, exhausted we went to bed early, and woke up with time to spare to reach the rail station. It was a madhouse, but I have gotten used to them at this point. Since the train technically travels to another country we went through customs and then boarded the train immediately. The China train blows the UB one out of the water. Air Con, personal bathroom, two beds, comphy lounging chair, power for computers….seriously were getting more and more luxurious as we go along. Hong Kong will be next….my first ever five star hotel in a city like Hong Kong…. Now that is gonna be something else. This blogs only got a few final date entries I think…. Sorry…still no real emotion coming from me.


July 7th, 2011. My mothers basement. Vienna, VA. The United States of America….

Hong Kong time is private. Sorry….i am going to keep that to myself. It was the ending of an adventure of my lifetime. I had a great flight home, got my drivers license back, new pair of running shoes, bought another POS phone, applied to get some temp work while looking for the long term jobs…including Peace Corps future work as well… And now in an air conditioned basement I use lightning fast internet and catch up on 2 years of video games that took place while I was away…. The more things change huh….

I am glad I wrote all this down…it feels appropriate…
Thank you for reading…or my condolences for enduring it.

A couple final movie things then this blog is over.

Take care, love as much as you can. And remember that when someone seems happy with not doing something your so accustomed to, when you realize that someone who doesn’t seem to be really “going” anywhere with there lives… just remember: “Not all who wander are lost…”

Hehe…okay, ill say it one more time (at least on this blog..) …
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PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!